


My Youth Is Yours

by DuskHeil



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Dementia, Insecurities, M/M, Mental Disorders, Rated for alcohol and drugs, Romance, Schizophrenia, Some humor here and there, Unrequited Love, i'll try
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 03:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7024951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DuskHeil/pseuds/DuskHeil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That ugly, freckled boy and Kei. Kei and his puppy. You see, Tadashi is called by so many names, each of which is always related to his best friend. It's true though. He's nothing without Kei anyway. </p><p>But this is not just a story of unrequited love, of someone's perspective as he lives under the shadow of another. It is his story. Or yet to be. Because it is where he learned to fight back. Not for anyone else this time, but for himself.</p><p>[For those who crave some angst, depressed!Yamaguchi, teenage drama and redemption]</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Youth Is Yours

**Author's Note:**

> *This contains all the angsty feels my damaged heart had experienced from this wonderful fandom.  
> *Enjoy your journey towards the dark black hole of pain and angst and... and...  
> *Well, tell me about it later!

Gentle breeze of one fresh morning caressed young Yamaguchi's skin as he bounded towards the house of his very new and very cool friend, Tsukishima Kei, a few blocks away. Unlike the previous, scared and insecured look he once wore when he went anywhere outside the safety of his room and inside the radar of his bullies, the small child was sporting a joyous expression. It's something his mother could infrequently witness, considering that his scrawny form and numerous freckles have always been a target of the neighborhood kids' ridicule.

Normally, Yamaguchi would cower (he still does, after all those years), hide behind his mother's skirt in hopes of hiding from the cruel stares other children gave him which only meant pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. Because yes, that's what he's good at. Hiding. He isolated himself in his own protective bulwark truly wishing that he could totally escape the harshness of the real world.

He couldn't.

Turns out, no matter how hard you hide, some things could still penetrate your formidable shield and haunt you. It doesn't matter if they pushed you too far in a corner, edged you away from your comfort or scratch your skin raw with open wounds and bleeding scars. What's important, was when you survive those. When you climbed back with your own two feet despite of your injuries and damages. When you were able to face the world and scream back that you're fucking alright and it takes too much to destroy you.

But even after then, Yamaguchi was still hiding and hiding and hiding.

"Tsukki!" The moss-haired boy chirped upon seeing his friend waiting by the gates of his house. He's the personification of everything Yamaguchi wanted himself to be. Handsome, tall, cool and fair-skinned.

Yamaguchi hated his own skin because it was peppered with distinct freckles. Because it's too coarse and too tan. Because his hands were calloused from doing the chores when his mom was out (well, she's always out; his mother stayed up late in the hospital, saving lives). Because no matter how much effort he wasted to minimize exposure from sunlight, he still suffered from sunburns with even just a second long of bathing under the scorching heat. That's a little bit exaggerated but you get the point.

And honestly, it's a little unfair.

Tsukishima, on the other hand, doesn't even have to exert effort maintaining his awesomeness and reputation. He didn't have to use a generous amount of words to scare those bullies who kept harassing Yamaguchi (and whom Yamaguchi had been trying to drive off after all these years) in just an instant.

"Can you keep your voice down?" Tsukki reprimanded, the crease in his forehead reflecting his apparent irritation. Tsukki had never been a morning person but this doesn't waver naive Yamaguchi's enthrallment. He's way too excited for watching the latest 3D animation movie to care. This super amazing film was what he was born for.

Honestly, it's even a miracle why he'd approved of letting Yamaguchi stay over his house, moreover just to watch a dumb children's movie too immature for Tsukki's taste. Maybe, it's because he's too tired putting up with his friend's (?) persuasion or the lost, rejected look he has like the world is about to freaking end. Either way, he doesn't care. It's not like he liked having friends, as opposed to what his mother kept insisting.

Tsukki doesn't really bother what others might feel after he let his words fall after all. Isn't that cool? He gets to say what he wants whenever he likes.

If Yamaguchi wanted to stick around, then he guessed it's fine, he doesn't look like a scammer or a drug dealer. If he's too tired of Tsukki's abhorrent personality, then it's okay. He could live on his own just fine.

It's very unfair.

But maybe, the reason why Yamaguchi was so hell bent for him was because he's the only embodiment of grace and beauty Yamaguchi had known all along.

×

Yamaguchi can't say that he's not hurt when Tsukishima's cruel vocabulary was directed to him.

"Are you having a selective amnesia or are you just plain stupid? You only use that kind of formula when your finding the initial velocity. Why don't you try using your brain cells for once and convert the given temperature values to Kelvin at first?"

Tsukishima at school had always been advanced in his studies and his mental capabilities. He understood things way faster and use that advantage to his benefits. Yamaguchi might be affected by how Tsukishima use his words, by how he used to deal with things, but that's how golden haired boy was. Because Tsukishima was not the Tsukishima he knew ever since when he didn't have his trademark sass.

Yamaguchi gave his childhood friend a look of envy, admiration and something he can't truly pin point at the time.

×

"I'm surprised you even passed Chemistry with a decent grade. I mean, who the hell doesn't understand the Table of Elements when you already have it mapped out for you."

"U-Umm, I-I forgot my chart at home, Tsukki--"

"Forgot? Again? Who do you expect to study the diagram for the test later? Your home?"

"I'm s-sorry--"

"You should have memorized it then, not like you could when you can't even remember doing the menial things. Here take mine, I could do well with or without it anyway."

By night, Yamaguchi made sure that he knew all the elements by heart.

×

"I like you, Tsukishima-kun!"

It took him weeks to realize that this contraction in his chest and the painful wringing of stomach was actually the infamous jealousy. It's not the kind he felt when he watched as other children excel in various sports with ease. It's not the kind he felt when a handful of girls lost interest in him because he's really not that interesting nor any special. It's a whirlpool of ugly emotions he wasn't aware he was capable of holding.

"Thanks for the love. But I'm not in the least interested."

These kinds of passages had probably happened so many times that he already lost count. But every single time, the same myriad emotions engulfed him like electricity, if not even more intense. He knew Tsukishima would always refuse but he can't help it. When it happens, he couldn't erase the image of Tsukki, the only person he have besides his parents, gradually enlarging the distance Yamaguchi's trying oh so hard to close himself.

And then BAM.

He's inlove. Wow. Congratulations on his misfortune.

"I know you're hiding Yamaguchi, come on."

"S-Sorry Tsukki!"

Probably had been in a long time.

×

Tsukki was not an ordinary person. That itself was already established even when Yamaguchi was still a snotty kid with little comprehension about truth and reality. For him, his megane friend was not ordinary in a way that he could make anyone squirm with the fervency of his gaze. Or in a way he could breeze through exams with flying colors. Or in a way he could block opponents with even a half hearted attempt.

He's unique in the way he saw things. How there's always an old wisdom settling inside those swirling pool of golden honey as he quietly and calmly assesses the situation at hand. How he seemed to snap at the most unexpected occasions because he fail to see the reason at his otherwise unpredictable logic. How far his mind brought him that Yamaguchi can't even reach a single fragment of his presence at all, no matter how hard he tried catching up or how close he was physically (and that's always because Yamaguchi was too agonizingly unexceptional to reach quite the level one of Tsukki's figurative scale).

'I'm the best friend', his mind indignantly argued, 'I am the one who knows Tsukki best'.

He didn't know who he was trying to assure. Maybe it was himself after all.

×

"Yamaguchi," Tsukishima interrupted, voice far-flung and clinical, "if you're finding your keys to your own locker, you left it at your desk."

Yamaguchi perked up, momentarily halting from rummaging his bag, "Thanks Tsukki! I would have continued searching through the wrong place if you haven't informed me sooner!"

"You kept forgetting lots of things these days, what's wrong with you?"

"N-Nothing!"

That's Tsukishima, Yamaguchi proudly said to himself. 'He knows everything about me, he can read me like an open book. He's really my best friend.'

He ignores the small, vicious part of him that whispers, 'But can you?'

×

'I love you, I love you, I love you so much I'm gonna die.'

Yamaguchi knew that he's in deep shit, that he's fallen worse than the abysmal depths of trenches. It's nasty, yes. It burned him like wildfire, yes. It made every muscles and nerves in his body tingled in each possible way, yes. But it made him feel alive. It made him feel the extremes of everything. If he could endure tormenting affliction, he could also experience bliss.

And he supposed, it's better than living as a hollow shell.

Tsukishima was the one who lit the spark, but Yamaguchi was the one who fueled it into flames.

×

"What's that for?"

Yamaguchi paused, staring back at Tsukishima until he discovered that the blonde was actually referring to the capsule the greenette was about to swallow.

"A-Ah, this?" He said with so much intelligence, wondering himself the same question as well. He had been taking this remedy ever since he could ever remember. What he could only recollect was when he and his mom went to a doctor and she looks really, really anxious right after.

He sagged his shoulders at the disappointment of not answering his friend's seldom inquiries properly, "I... I didn't exactly know either." Of course he knows, he's just too hesitant to admit it.

Tsukki leaned to get a good view of the bottle's label, "For memory loss? Heh, that's what you'll really need, Yama. You've been taking those ever since we met and yet your mastery skills haven't even improved a notch."

"Y-Yeah," Yamaguchi smiled, "K-Kind of."

Tsukishima only tsked as he continued reading his book about archaeology because it's none of his concern. His moss-haired friend only gazed at the outline of his face fondly.

Tsukki can ruin him anytime and Yamaguchi was so madly inlove enough to let him do so.

×

The reason why they lost the match against Aoba Josai was truly his fault. His teammates might be too kind not to emphasize his errors anymore but he knows there's no one to blame but himself. The only way he could help the team was through his serves, but he still failed. Tears streamed down his eyes as he clutched his chest tight, feeling the rising bile in his throat.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Yamaguchi Tadashi.

He asked Tsukki to go home without him. Probably because he can't have his friend validating how miserable Yamaguchi could ever be. He keeps heaving short, ragged breaths as he slammed his hands at his study table, leaning heavily for support. His head spinned as his knees buckled. He braced himself with the maximum force that he could ever muster as he chanted,

"Hydrogen, Lithium, Sodium, Potassium, Rubidium, Cesium, Francium, Beryllium, Magnesium, Calcium, Strontium, Barium, Radium, Scandium, Yttrium, Lanthanum, Actinium, Titanium..."

At the end of the week, Yamaguchi was taking two kinds of medication.

Rather than one.

×

"Tsukki," Yamaguchi muttered softly, regarding the larger figure at the other edge of the bed with a gentle look. Tsukishima removed his focus from his laptop and reluctantly acknowledged him through bleary eyes. It's their very first sleepover ever since their endeavor towards the championship.

The boy with glasses might be there physically, but the essence of his company was hardly felt. Yamaguchi can't blame him (oh no, he can't), the team had found a special place in Tsukishima's heart no matter how hard he tried to deny it.

"I like you."

Tsukishima went back to his PC, not bothered by the confession at all, "I know."

Yamaguchi doesn't have time to be sad about it because by tommorrow, Tsukishima told him to go home and change his clothes. They went to Tsukki's favorite bookstores and ate at a nice, cozy cafe. It's so close to be considered as a date.

So close.

×

One.

Yamaguchi popped a tablet on his mouth as he waited for the tremors to stop.

Two.

As he waited for the increasing palpitation of his heart to stabilize.

Three.

As he waited for the shooting pain invading his noggin to subside into dull, short aches.

Four.

As he waited for the sharp twinge that had been abusing him since he caught Kuroo trapping Tsukishima (the latter not refusing the other's advances) at the wall inside the storage room past midnight while they're at the training camp to disappear.

This time, the spell of the magical candy didn't work.

×

It's not like they're 'officially' together anyway. Yamaguchi admitted his love and Tsukishima didn't give a distinctive response. In fact, nothing actually changed in their relationship. He was the one who assumed. He was the one who concluded that there's any deeper meaning when Tsukishima fucking clasped his shoulder to steady him if they're standing at the bus or when Tsukishima held his god damn wrist as he guided him through the sea of crowd or when Tsukishima put his scarf around his neck while the snow made Yamaguchi's nose red.

He thought he could always grasp Tsukishima's nature, mannerisms and tendencies. But every time he's on the point of disregarding his self-doubts in terms of truly understanding his best friend, another conundrum about Tsukki materializes and arises his insecurities back to the surface.

Yamaguchi was always the anchor of their relationship (whatever it is), a constant entity that balanced the other's unpredictability. Tsukishima could always foster Yamaguchi's actions. Tsukki knows when Yamaguchi was sad, Tsukki knows when Yamaguchi was angry, Tsukki knows that Yamaguchi likes him. Tsukki knows that Yamaguchi was truly upset with him the morning after his abrupt tryst with Nekoma's captain.

"We'll eat at the new restaurant near the park after the camp if you stop sulking, Yamaguchi."

"O-Okay, Tsukki. I'm sorry."

Yamaguchi was far too consistent to be anything more than normalcy. He's boring. And he ponders if the time when he'll be the one to catch the golden-haired boy off guard will ever come.

×

The rest of his years at Karasuno High School was consisted of overnights at one of their teammate's houses, late volleyball practices, more training camps, more incidents where he found Kuroo Tetsuroo smooching his best friend (after their match against Nekoma at one empty locker room or under the great, grand sakura tree where Yamaguchi used to have lunch with the blonde, etc. etc.) and moments when Yamaguchi just sat on his bed and contemplates what other things had he done aside from hiding underneath the shadow of Tsukishima.

The cowlick-haired boy worked so hard to improve his serve (only thing he's good at), somehow managed to join the first string and begun participating at official matches. Nekoma won the championship at their second year but they managed to reclaim victory at their last year of high school.

Tears and bidding words were exchanged during graduation. Tsukishima remained calm and collected during the ceremony, even when he was announced to be one of the students with the highest honors. Kageyama had been scowling the whole event while Hinata and Yamaguchi (they've grown so close with each other) had been attached to each other, crying as if they were about to be sentenced to death instead of graduating.

×

Three years passed like the speed of light, Yamaguchi mused as he opened another brown box to unpack the things inside. The apartment was large for the two of them, since Tsukishima's parents was wealthy enough to afford one and kind enough to let Yamaguchi share the complex with their son, though the greenette never took the offer without insisting of paying a fair part of the bill.

"You should've done it tommorrow, Yamaguchi. We still have lots of time," Tsukishima reminded flatly, disentangling the chords of his earphones and setting them neatly on both ears. He positioned himself comfortably at the bed.

Tsukishima was enrolled on the university specialized in Science and Technology while Yamaguchi schooled at one just fifteen minutes away from their new home. He, as expected, took the entrance exam with Tsukki as well, however he didn't pass.

"It's okay, Tsukki!" Yamaguchi replied, grinning brightly, "besides, I've got nothing to do the whole day!"

"Hmm," Tsukishima hummed as he amplified the volume of the speakers, no longer interested in listening.

When Tsukki was already immersed in his music, Yamaguchi silently transferred one particular box he sneaked inside the delivery truck to one of the open cupboards before locking it safely.

×

Being away from Tsukki means that he couldn't keep track of his friend anymore. Even when he was almost attached to the smaller boy almost every day during their early years, Yamaguchi still couldn't foretell what's in his mind.

It's not that Yamaguchi was clingy or thirsty for attention. He just wants to spend time with his friend from time to time. As months came, both of them barely talked because of their hectic schedules. Tsukki seldomly went home, sometimes sending him a brief text that he's staying with a groupmate overnight for their research.

Yamaguchi swallowed two tablets as he typed furiously on the computer. He's almost half-finished on his power point yet he still needed to prepare for his update report on his thesis. Plus, two more tests to be crammed later at the morning. Yes, he's trying his best not to panic right now. It's a very good news that there's something keeping him at bay.

"Hydrogen, Lithium, Sodium, Potassium, Rubidium, Cesium, Francium, Beryllium, Magnesium, Calcium, Strontium, Barium, Radium, Scandium--"

It's 1:30 in the morning when Yamaguchi was juggling between scanning the results of his research paper and reviewing his notes when he heard the soft sound of unsynchronized footsteps.

"T-Tsukki? God, are you drunk?"

Because Tsukki was never drunk, even when his old team hung out some time back at high school to pop a few beers and loosen up from stress. He never saw his friend took a single sip from the cup that was forced ("get drunk already Tsukishima so that we could already unearth your secrets!!!") on his hand. In fact, he wouldn't even go to one if the team never bullied and persuaded him to do so.

"I missed you," Tsukishima mumbled as he moved forward and hugged him.

Yamaguchi was frozen in shock because Tsukki hardly initiate any form of intimacy (not that he was expected to do so). He's even more flabbergasted when his friend lapped his lips lazily and proceeded to tug his clothes off.

And oh fucking god, that's his first kiss.

He hated to admit this aloud but, Yamaguchi valued commitments so much. Sure, other teenagers can fuck and make out with anything and anyone they want because of hormonal imbalances and other shits. Yet unlike any others experiencing puberty, Yamaguchi refused to give in his urges and sacrifice the essence of bonds.

Out of Yamaguchi's common characteristics, this was the most prominent. Loyalty (as if that could be any more obvious). It's a principle he established and upheld with dignity. He loves Tsukishima. And Tsukishima might be cruellt using it to his own advantage but Yamaguchi was not going to surrender. Giving up now was as the same as totally destroying the remnants of their foundation as friends once.

"No Tsukki," Yamaguchi stated firmly, grasping the other's hands, "This is not what we want. This is not what you want."

Tsukishima scoffed, slapping Yamaguchi's arms away, "No wonder you're no fun."

By morning, no one even dared to bring up the events from the previous night. Heck, no one even seemed to remember it.

Or at least one of them tried not to.

×

"Mom! You called!" Yamaguchi beamed, grinning until his cheeks hurt. He missed his mom, alright. She's the only one left whom he could trust his life for (he's father was already dead, but he refused to talk about it because he's an optimistic person).

"Honey! I missed you! How is life in the university?"

"Pretty much how it looks like," he laughed, "the college studs are clearly not using hyperboles when they said that unis can make you mentally and physically crazy! But don't worry! I'm still far away from being insane!"

At least not yet.

The voice at the other line chorttled delightly, "Oh, Tadashii! What are you saying! I've been glad you're doing fine there. I hope you stay away from those people who's attempting influence you the wrong way! And don't talk to strangers! Who knows they are--"

"Relax, relax, Kaa-chan. I'm going to be fine! See? So far, so good! Please don't overwork yourself too much, okay? Besides, I still have a part-time job here at the book store. I could manage the other expenses, don't worry!" He said as he brought a cup of hot chocolate at his lips.

His mother sighed, "But be careful, okay? You still have to study. Oh, by the way, how about Kei-kun? How is he? Attracting admirers with his broody looks as usual?"

He almost choked himself.

And fucking around with random people and fucking with his mind too. As usual. He knew that Kuroo was not the only person he screwed, alright.

"Um, fine! He's fine! He's, uh, doing fine surely!" Because what else could he say when Tsukishima could hardly put some effort to greet him a single fucking 'hello Yamaguchi, looking pathetic again, I see' before dematerializing from their apartment.

"Hmm, okay darling! Oh! My break was almost over! Let's have dinner sometimes, Tadashi! And don't forget your medicines! You already knew what will happen if it strikes. I really missed you!" Yamaguchi could detect the anxious edge in her voice even at the phone.

Then the line went dead. So as his hopes for Tsukishima.

×

It was almost a year after when he discovered that this very kind and understanding friend who let Tsukki stay the night at their house during busy days was Kuroo Tetsurou. One day, he was on his way towards Tsukishima's campus after boarding a train (unlike Tsukki who already have his own car) when he saw them. He was taking his time walking because it's been like years since he ever get this golden opportunity when he spotted them at a particular convenience store.

He hid himself at the nearest establishment (a cowardly act for such a cowardly man indeed) as he observed the two of them. Kuroo was laughing at something Tsukishima said (a sarcastic comment, maybe, Yamaguchi scarcely heard one of those from the tall boy himself) and Tsukishima was stoic as usual. Though there's this lively glint in his eyes that Yamaguchi can't see when he returned at their almost half-empty apartment.

Quite at the same time, Yamaguchi noticed how unfrequent Tsukki visits the apartment (he barely sleep at his room even on the weekends and Yamaguchi yearns to remember what it feels to hang out with his friend again) and how the blonde's things gradually vanished inside their own home.

(He belatedly realized that every time Tsukki walked out, he's always bringing something of his possession with him as he drove back to the university. Months ago, amidst the first days of their residence, the blonde would rather relax, watch his favourite animal documentary and save some trouble than drive back to uni and listen to optional seminars, especially during Saturdays and Sundays. Now he doesn't even lodge long enough to hold a five-minute conversation with his childhood best friend.)

His best friend deserved happiness, he convinced himself as he sat alone in the living room. If it didn't include pathetic, extraordinarily ordinary Yamaguchi Tadashi, then be it. He took two capsules from one container, a pill from another and swallowed it with beer. Who was he to interfere anyway?

He was the one who approached Tsukishima and pleaded him to be friends because he's too piteous. Maybe Tsukki didn't refused because he looks so fucking miserable. He was the one who insisted to stick with this tall, cool, handsome guy through thick and thin. He was the one who instigated these sufferings to himself. In fact, Tsukishima didn't even do anything. He just exists and it's all Yamaguchi's fault.

He needs more beer, so he slogged himself towards the kitchen. But when he arrived infront of the fridge, he didn't even know why he was there. 'What do I have to do again?' He distantly mused, inspecting all the frozen goods inside and hoping to remember his purpose upon spotting what he needed.

"Is it the milk?" He brooded loudly. He took the carton and scanned the refrigerator once more.

"Maybe it's the ice cubes," He opened the freezer and grabbed the container, just in case it's actually the right one.

He silently closed the appliance as he went back. Yamaguchi was already on the sofa and drinking his milk when he ascertained something that was long overdued,

"Oh, it was the beer."

×

"Hinata, have you seen my phone?" Yamaguchi asked his unexpected guess as he rummaged the drawers for the phone. Why is he finding his phone again? Ah, for the pizza.

His ginger-haired friend happened to visit his relatives at the nearby town and decides to drop at his former teammate's apartment before going home, for reconcilation. And also, for free food.

"What are you talking about, Yamaguchi? You placed it next to your notebook just a minute ago," Hinata eyed him with a mixture of confusion and worry before stuffing his mouth with more beef.

"Ah! There it is!" The greenette happily confirmed as he went off with dialling the right digits.

Hinata swallowed hard, "Are you okay, Yama? You kept forgetting things these days."

"Ah, maybe it's because of my short term memory! Thanks anyway! Enjoy the food!"

"I certainly will!"

Hinata departed with a reminder of their nearing reunion, "Don't forget about it, Yama! Put it on your notebook! Or in a post it! Or, or in a black board or somethin'!"

×

"Tsukki?"

Yamaguchi called out as he made his way hurriedly to his best friend. Because, hey, the past months in summary had been a cycling routine of Tsukki just visiting the apartment, touring around for like less an hour, getting something and leaving. Tsukishima was already at the threshold, mid-way at closing the door. It's five thirty in a Sunday morning and Yamaguchi already stopped thinking of the optional seminars at the ash blonde's uni. He's not a fool. Tsukki's already tired of him, damn it, how hard was that to understand? How long did he have to blindly pretend that everything was fine?

"It's still too early, Yamaguchi. Go back to sleep," Tsukishima reprimanded. Yamaguchi traced the shape of his arms down to take a good look at what the taller guy was holding.

 

'Hmm, what is it this time? His dinosaur printed pillow at the corner of his bed? Another pair of his sneakers? His cap? His astronomy books? His drawers? His bed--'

"A sweater."

'Didn't know you have that at all.'

Cool Tsukki just nodded, "Last week, remember?"

'Remember? Fuck you, you're not even living here anymore.'

"You bought it?"

"Someone gave it to me--"

"Ah, Kuroo. After your date?"

Tsukishima stiffened, just slightly because it might destroy his awesome, imposing image. Yamaguchi looked at his nail nonchalantly, idly recalling that he has yet to take his morning dosage.

'Gotcha,' cue with the victory dance and imaginary confettis.

The blonde sighed, "Please stop making it look like it's my responsibility to tell you everything."

'Oh no, no, it's not your fault okay? Dude, it's me who made it a responsibility to know everything about you! Wonderful right?!'

"No, it's fine Tsooookie!"

He convinced instead, even gaining the courage to cackle. Why? It's funny. Everything around him is so, so hilarious. Promise. The television which was silently mocking Yamaguchi with his loserness (is that even a word) with that black, void face of it, Tsukki's soiled clothes at the basket and the suspicious dinosaur stuff toy (it's the first time he'd ever seen it in his entire life) that was giving him those demeaning judgeful stares at the couch - all of them, so funny.

He ignored how his hands had started shaking.

"In fact," he cast his watch a brief look, "it's almost 6! You better go now, I don't wanna keep you! I don't even have the right to!"

The sudden urge of completely removing his brain-mouth filter was starting to dominate the most part of him. He's so pumped up to lash out, bring his power point presentation and begin pointing out his characteristics that lead him straight to rock bottom in bullet form. He might as well not waste this opportunity. No one knows when this stroke of courage will run out.

"Oh?" Tsukishima taunted, his ominous expression alarming the upcoming of his one too many mood shifts, "What now, Yamaguchi-kun? Belatedly regretting why you've been friends with me after all this time in the first place? Worst decision, huh?"

Yamaguchi tried not to flinch. He's so used to these kinds of trash talking, okay? He'd spent years being the target of that sharp tongue. It takes more than that to make him waver. Except, when he take his meds and sober up later. But that's for later.

And there's this saying that you have to live for the present. So he'll do just that.

"Worst," he found himself seething, "I've made decisions worse than that!"

Tsukishima stared at him, too stunned to digest the fact that Yamaguchi had actually stood up against him, again. And all he could muster was a breathless, "What?"

"Wait, let me use my brain for once. Oh! Like for instance, loving you?"

Then he slammed his door shut.

Later on, he concluded after three pills and a glass of juice, regret indeed comes last.

×

"Woah, Yamaguchi! I didn't know you could actually drink like that!" Hinata asked, awestrucked. Hinata didn't criticize Yamaguchi's decisions in life. Hinata praised him for the smallest of things. Hinata was an ideal friend. If anyone could just be like ideal friend Hinata.

Yamaguchi smiled widely, "And now you know!" Heck, he could drink all the bottles at the tray if someone requested.

His former Karasuno teammates had decided to hold a reunion at Sugawara's recent apartment. The place was fifteen minutes away by train, so he thought, why not come?

"Anyway, Yamaguchi?" Tanaka inquired, eyes already losing its focus, "where's that pole friend of yours? You two have always been glued together like sesame twins!"

"The fuck, Tanaka," Nishinoya, who had mysteriously appeared like magic, howled in laughter, "you mean Siamese twins!"

"Shuddup Noya! This is my question! You don't just correct my question!"

Well, truthfully, Yamaguchi hadn't directly informed Tsukishima about this. Maybe it's because of this not so petulant though that Tsukki was probably too busy using his looks to fuck and fuck around gorgeous people. Meaning, he's got no time for these kinds of shits. Right?

"Um, ano, I don't think he'll be here--"

'Why would he come?' was the next thing he thought as he realized who were the ones who joined the celebration just now. Sugawara approached them with a serene smile. 'Them' being Tsukishima and Kuroo. Yamaguchi had never felt so betrayed. He was never present in their apartment anymore. Wasn't that enough already? No, not yet. Because Tsukishima appeared in their team's reunion and dropped the bomb in front of his face so that he won't have the excuse to commit a rampage.

But the look in Tsukishima's eyes depicted everything Yamaguchi can't give. Everyone halted to give them imploring glances. Without hesitation, Tsukishima introduced his raven companion as his boyfriend (with an involuntary slight blush that clash horribly against the paleness of his skin). Of course, Yamaguchi already had the hunch, but it still a harsh pierce on his heart. He couldn't even talk, Tsukishima didn't even spare him a single glance.

'Why am I so hurt, anyway?!' He furiously asked to himself, knuckles turning white at the mug's handle. 'Tsukki never asked me to be his friend. Tsukki never asked me to take care of him. Tsukki never asked me to love him. So why am I so stupidly enraged when I don't have the damn right to?'

And Kuroo, being the natural charmer that he is, had quickly inserted himself as a part of the group. He was reluctant at first, but eventually, he'd been cracking jokes and telling Tsukishima's adventures to his team - Yamaguchi's team - like he's already a member of it ever since.

It sucks how the insecure part of him could wobble his sense of justice that easily. He wanted to reason out that it's not people's fault of failing to recognize him at first sight because he's just so typical and uninteresting. It's not Karasuno's fault of not giving him the same kind of fondness and affection as Kageyama, Hinata or Tsukishima because he's so monotonous, personality and skill wise. 

Aside from his volleyball teammates who had the responsibility to at least remember his name, people who don't give two shits about Yamaguchi just referred him as Tsukishima's pet dog, Tsukishima's creepy stalker, Tsukishima's trying hard side kick, Tsukishima's something #1, Tsukishima's something #2.

He hated it. Even if he was not supposed to.

He's sweating profusely and his heart was starting to lose it's steady beating, and - oh shit, oh shit, oh shit - he forgot to take his medication, he's the stupidest, most miserable piece of utter trash who ever dared grace the Earth's super thin crust--

"Uh, I think, I needed to go to the bathroom for awhile--" But his voice was swallowed by the crowd's enthusiastic roars and victory cheers for the new couple that Yamaguchi quietly slipped away without being noticed instead.

'I must have something inside my bag. Wait, do I even bring my bag? Where is it again? Why am I doing this? Ah. For the spasming. Who's spasming? Oh, me. Haha. My hand specifically. But I still could walk! Why am I walking? Do I need to buy shoes? Handkerchief? Maybe I want some fresh air. That's it! I'm going to walk a bit for fresh air!'

As Yamaguchi mindlessly walked outside, a pair of golden honeyed orbs glared at his retreating back until it completely disappeared from his line of vision.

**Author's Note:**

> *I still love you, Kuroo, don't worry.  
> *You're beautiful, Yama, I got you.  
> *One comment, one life  
> *Cookies for those who knew the song!  
> *Love you!


End file.
